The LightLiving Challenge – Day 8

April 21, 2013

In today’s video I share my Five Releases and my Three Keeps, I share some gorgeous photos of Italy, and I also share some tears. I’m quite uncomfortable expressing fear or sadness and crying in front of other people; but as it’s my fears that got me crying this morning, I figured I might as well face one right away by posting a video about it!

Following your dreams is terrifying. And by following your dreams I mean follow your intuition, your heart path, and doing what you feel called to do, even if you don’t know why. I felt called to do this challenge and to make videos. This morning someone asked me what the point was – WHY was I doing this challenge? What is the point of making videos every day? What is my goal? Ie, How is this contributing to me figuring out my life and how to make a living??

And then all the fears came flooding out. I don’t know! I don’t know what I’m doing! I don’t know what’s going to happen! I don’t know how I’m going to pay bills! I don’t have answers. I’m just trying to do what I feel is truest for me, even if it makes no rational sense.

I have so many fears that I’m trying to work through. I’m trying not to just give up, to go back to the old secure and deadening life of regular paychecks and car insurance payments. Why is that such a huge question? Why do our entire lives focus around HOW WILL YOU MAKE MONEY? Money, a completely made-up thing… funny how something that’s just a belief can upset us so much.

When I was crying this morning (before the video), I sat there breathing through the fear/pain/sadness, breathing deep and strong, almost hyperventilating, my face tingling after a few minutes. I could feel the energy moving through me, my head hurting, my neck tense. I kept gulping air. And then it began to dissolve. It came back to me how I’d been taught as a child that it was wrong and shameful to cry. Growing up I’d always gone to my room alone, put some music on my headphones, and muffled my sobs into my teddy bear. I don’t think I  cried in front of any of my friends until I was into my twenties.

In the last week, a few odd things in my body have come up: My knuckle’s been hurting in an arthritis-y way for a little over a week. Three or four days ago I stubbed my pinkie toe on a rock so hard that it turned purple. I won’t subject you to a photo of my toe but let’s say that it swelled up and resembles a cherry. Or a purple grape.

Yesterday, I totally ate it while climbing down a hill and skinned my knees. I’m not usually klutzy. I’ve also been binging on chocolate and bread.

I realized that all of these things were signals for the underlying emotions bubbling below – subconscious attempts at distraction, sabotage, or getting my attention.

I checked my book “Heal Your Body” by Louis Hay to find out the meanings:

 

PROBLEM: Joints (Knuckle)

PROBABLE CAUSE: Represent changes in direction in life and the ease of these movements.

NEW THOUGHT PATTERN: I easily flow with change. My life is Divinely guided, and I am always going in the best direction.

 

PROBLEM: Toes

PROBABLE CAUSE: Represent the minor details of the future.

NEW THOUGHT PATTERN: All details take care of themselves.

 

PROBLEM: Knee

PROBABLE CAUSE: Represents pride and ego.

NEW THOUGHT PATTERN: I am flexible and flowing.

 

 

Well, there you go. 

So why share all this? Well, one, because it scares me, and I’m practicing doing things that scare me.  And two, if you’ve ever felt afraid or alone or confused, maybe this will help remind you that you’re not alone. There is no feeling or emotion that you’ll ever have that no one else has ever felt. We’re all in this crazy life game together, here to play being sad and fearful. It’s part and parcel with the pleasure and joy of being human.

One thing I will say about all this – I’m learning how to edit videos. I’m learning how to let go of more crap. I’m learning how to ‘ship’ stuff I create – blogs and videos – every single day. I’m learning to create and share  while caring less and less what others think of me.

And most importantly, I’m letting go. Of crap I don’t need, and also of some of my fear.

Thanks for joining me on this journey!

 

Today’s Release List:

1. Chemically shampoo

2. Sesame oil

3. Box

4. Book: Raja Yoga

5. Book: The Yeast Syndrome

 

Today’s Keep List:

1. Turquoise & gold earrings

2. Blue crystal earrings from the Dalai Lama in Milan, 2012

3. Buddha earrings from Fern’s Garden, Belmont Shore/Long Beach (the sell Jacob’s Wind chimes, which are the BEST wind chimes EVER).

Photo by me! Spring in Bloom, yesterday, Italy, 2013

Photo by me! Spring in Bloom, yesterday, Italy, 2013

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