May 6, 2010
I’m feeling quite clear today. And at the same time, tired. I feel like I got enough sleep last night…is it the withdrawal from caffeine and sugar?? I was THIS CLOSE to putting some refined sugar in my mouth today – we were leaving an amazing sushi place in Culver City (K-Zo, beautiful presentation and tasty nom noms) and I saw that they had a silver bowl of those little melt-in-your-mouth pillow mints. My favorite type of free restaurant candy. My hand reached out for the silver spoon and as I was about to grasp the tiny handle, I remembered… NO!!! No sugar. Day Four. I laughed at myself.
But back to the clarity – my mind’s been a bit of a mess lately. Mildly obsessing over stupid things that don’t matter. Meditation helps, writing helps, good friends help, my therapist helps. Though it always comes down to the same thing – I already know the answer. I know the answer before I ask the question. I know the answer before I talk to my friends about it. I know the answer before I bring it up to my therapist. But still, I pretend. I pretend like I have options; I pretend like there’s a choice to be made, and that I can’t decide. Of course, there IS a choice. But I already know that my pondering of all these choices and options is just a distraction – the mental version of alcohol, TV, sex, drugs, facebook, buying shit I don’t need, eating food that brings me a few minutes of pleasure – all a distraction. All an avoidance of the simplicity of it all. I already know. I know what I need, and what’s good for me. But instead of recognizing that and accepting it and letting the rest fall away, I play the game of our world. The bullshit game. We waste so much time bullshitting. I waste so much time bullshitting. Because I’m afraid of making the choice. If I make the choices I know are right, life gets simpler. All that energy that I waste on the distractions – what if I started channeling that into my dreams? Into creating my best life? I might start making progress. And then… I might fail. So I keep on pretending. For now.